“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
— Queen Elizabeth II, echoing the words of psychiatrist Colin Murray-Parkes
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows how profoundly heartbreaking it can be. It can feel as
though the ground has disappeared beneath you — as if time has stopped and moving forward is
impossible. Life no longer makes sense; the void left behind seems unbearable, and the pain feels
endless.
Loss is not only about the absence of a person; it is also the loss of a way of life — of connection,
shared routines, future plans, and the sense of security that love brings. It touches every part of our
existence, reshaping how we experience the world. Coping with such loss is incredibly difficult, and
there is no handbook for how to do it “properly.” There is no set timeline, and no single path that
fits everyone.
However, there are common experiences and emotional stages that many people move through as
they adapt to loss. One of the most recognised frameworks for understanding this process is the
Four Phases of Grief, developed by psychiatrist Colin Murray-Parkes, a pioneer in bereavement
research.
The Four Phases of Grief
- Shock and Numbness
In the immediate aftermath of loss, the mind struggles to comprehend what has happened. The
emotions are so intense and overwhelming that our natural defence mechanism is to go numb. This
stage can feel surreal, as if the loss hasn’t fully “landed.” Numbness serves a purpose — it protects
us while we begin to process what feels impossible to accept. - Yearning and Searching
As the initial shock fades, we begin to yearn for the person we have lost. We may seek comfort in
memories, photographs, familiar places, or shared routines. It’s common to find oneself
momentarily “looking for” the person, even when the rational mind knows they are gone. This stage
can bring both warmth and deep sorrow as we confront the magnitude of our loss. - Disorganisation and Despair
Gradually, the reality sets in that the loved one will not return. Life feels empty and disordered. It
may seem impossible to imagine a future or to find meaning again. Anger, guilt, and hopelessness
can emerge, and some people withdraw from others to retreat into their grief. During this phase, the
world often feels smaller and darker, and everyday tasks can feel overwhelming. - Reorganisation and Recovery
Over time, the pain begins to soften. Though sadness and longing remain, they become more
manageable. A renewed sense of hope slowly returns as new routines, connections, and possibilities
take shape. The person who has died will always be missed, but their memory becomes integrated
into life rather than dominating it. Healing is not about forgetting — it’s about learning to live again
while carrying love forward.
Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
When supporting a grieving person, it is crucial to remember that there is no right or wrong way to
mourn. Everyone’s journey through grief is unique, shaped by personality, culture, relationship,
and circumstances. What helped one person may not help another.
Reach out, but do not push. Let the person know you are there — not just in the early days but for
the long term, whenever they are ready to talk, cry, or simply sit in silence. The grieving process
takes time, and one of the greatest gifts you can offer is consistent presence.
Many people in bereavement counselling share that, after some time, their social circle seems to
“move on.” Friends may stop asking how they’re coping, assuming the worst is over or worrying
that bringing up the loss might cause more pain. This silence, though often well-intentioned, can be
deeply isolating. The grieving person may start to question whether it is wrong to still feel sad,
leading to guilt and emotional suppression.
When the world stops mentioning the loved one’s name, it can feel like losing them all over again
— as though their life, and the love shared, no longer matter.
How to Help in Meaningful Ways
The most powerful thing you can do is listen. Don’t rush to offer solutions or try to “cheer them
up.” Simply being present and allowing them to express their feelings without judgment is healing
in itself. Validate their emotions by reminding them that what they are feeling — whether sadness,
anger, guilt, or numbness — is completely normal.
Rather than trying to make grief go away, help them feel through it. Grief can be frightening to
experience and to witness, but it is a natural and necessary process. It is often not the person who is
openly crying or expressing sorrow who needs the most support, but rather the one who suppresses
emotion, who feels stuck or detached from their pain.
Only by allowing themselves to feel the loss can a person begin to heal. Grief, as painful as it is, is
also a form of love — love with nowhere to go.
The Work of Grief
As Colin Murray-Parkes wrote, “The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love; it is
perhaps the price we pay for love — the cost of commitment.”
Grieving is hard work. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, unpredictable, and often
cyclical. Yet it is also an act of devotion — proof of the depth of our love and connection. Over
time, grief transforms. It may never disappear, but it evolves from something sharp and consuming
into something softer, a companion rather than a wound.
To grieve is to love deeply. And in that love — even through pain — lies the possibility of growth,
renewal, and reconnection with life.