“I should have known better.”
“I’m useless at this.”
“I’ll never be able to make this work.”
Sound familiar? Many of us have an internal voice that comments on our daily actions, choices, and
mistakes. This inner critic seems ever-present — sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting —
offering a steady stream of judgment.
But how often is that voice kind, encouraging, or forgiving? And how often is it harsh, critical, and
discouraging?
Imagine, for a moment, that this inner voice was an actual person following you around all day.
Would you want to spend time with them? Probably not. Most of us would quickly tell them to stop
— to take their negativity elsewhere. So, if you wouldn’t tolerate that kind of treatment from
someone else, why allow it from yourself?
The Power of Language in Shaping Emotion
The language we use — both with others and within our own minds — has a profound impact on
how we feel. Self-critical language can reinforce feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or failure. Over time,
it shapes our emotional landscape, making us believe those words to be true.
Conversely, compassionate and constructive self-talk can lighten our mood, boost motivation, and
promote emotional balance. By changing the language of your thoughts, you can change how you
feel — and in turn, how you act.
This isn’t about false positivity or pretending everything is fine. It’s about using accurate,
balanced, and encouraging language that supports growth rather than hinders it.
“I Can’t” vs. “I Can’t Yet”
Consider the phrase: “I can’t do this.” It feels final — an ending. Once you say it, your brain
accepts defeat. There’s no room for possibility, learning, or growth.
Now add one small word: yet.
“I can’t do this yet.”
That single addition transforms the statement. Suddenly, it implies progress and potential. You’re
not incapable — you’re simply not there yet. This shift creates motivation and hope instead of
resignation.
Language, when used consciously, can be a powerful psychological tool.
Replacing “Should” with “Could”
Another common trap in our self-talk is the word “should.”
“I should get on with work.”
“I should have done better.”
The word should carries judgment and guilt. It implies that we’ve already failed or are about to. It
frames our actions as moral obligations rather than personal choices, creating pressure, shame, and
resistance.
Now replace should with could:
“I could get on with work.”
This version opens up a sense of choice and autonomy. You are no longer compelled by guilt but
empowered by possibility. You’re deciding to act because you want to, not because you have to.
Small linguistic shifts like these can rewire your internal dialogue and improve your emotional
wellbeing. Over time, they cultivate a sense of self-respect and control rather than criticism and
defeat.
Awareness and Practice
Becoming aware of your self-talk is the first step. Ask yourself:
- Would I speak to a close friend the way I speak to myself?
- Would I encourage or criticise them?
If your answer is no, it’s time to start showing yourself the same empathy and understanding you
would offer someone you care about.
Breaking old patterns takes time and consistency. It can help to use a physical reminder — a note
on your mirror, a phone alert, or even a bracelet — something to prompt you to pause and notice
your internal dialogue throughout the day.
When you catch yourself using harsh or absolute language, gently reframe it. Swap “should” for
“could.” Add “yet” to moments of self-doubt. Over time, you’ll notice that your inner voice
becomes kinder, calmer, and more supportive.
The Takeaway
The words you speak to yourself matter. They shape your emotions, your confidence, and your
choices. Treat yourself as you would a good friend — with compassion, patience, and respect.
So, the next time you ask yourself whether you should change your self-talk, consider this instead:
You could — and if you haven’t mastered it yet, that’s perfectly okay. You’re on your way.