Guilt is one of the emotions I hear about most frequently in therapy. Clients often describe feeling
guilty — sometimes about things they did long ago, other times about recent events. They may also
feel guilty about things they didn’t do — missed opportunities, unspoken words, or actions they
wish they had taken.
At times, guilt stems from a specific event — a broken promise, a failed responsibility, or a moment
of regret. For some, guilt passes quickly, a fleeting discomfort. For others, it lingers, becoming
heavy and all-consuming, quietly shaping their thoughts and emotions day after day.
Some people are able to shrug off guilt relatively easily, while others feel trapped by it.
Understanding why guilt arises and what purpose it serves is key to learning how to move forward
from it.
The Purpose of Guilt
Guilt, like all emotions, has a purpose. It exists to help us recognise the difference between right
and wrong and to align our behaviour with our values.
When I was a child, I remember being told off and sent to the “naughty step” — a chair behind the
kitchen door — after misbehaving. I didn’t avoid that behaviour next time because I feared
punishment, but because I didn’t want to experience that awful feeling in my stomach and chest
again. I didn’t want to feel guilty.
That feeling was my conscience doing its job. It prompted empathy — helping me imagine how my
actions might have hurt someone else. Guilt, therefore, has a practical function: it signals when
our behaviour is misaligned with our moral compass, motivating us to correct it.
Of course, the definition of “right” and “wrong” can vary widely between cultures, religions, and
individuals. Yet the emotional experience of guilt is universal. With the exception of those who
lack empathy (such as individuals with psychopathy, who represent a very small percentage of the
population), most people experience guilt as part of their natural emotional landscape.
When Guilt Becomes Harmful
While guilt serves an important purpose, it can also become maladaptive — especially when it
lingers long after an event has passed. Historical guilt, as I often call it, can become a constant
mental companion. It takes up enormous headspace, drains energy, and can paralyse personal
growth. It may even create emotional distance from others and prevent healing or self-forgiveness.
So, how do we begin to release guilt when it no longer serves a purpose?
Step 1: Conduct a Reality Check
Whenever guilt arises — whether from something you did, didn’t do, or think you might have done
— start by asking yourself a simple but powerful question:
“What did I actually do wrong?”
When examined closely, the answer may surprise you. Sometimes guilt is misplaced. Perhaps you
acted under pressure, did what you thought was best at the time, or simply followed someone else’s
advice. If, upon honest reflection, you realise that you did not do anything wrong, then the guilt is
unwarranted — and you can give yourself permission to let it go.
This kind of reality check is often the first step toward emotional release.
Step 2: If You Did Do Something Wrong — Take One of Three Paths
If your reflection reveals that your actions did cause harm — to yourself or someone else — there
are three constructive ways to move forward.
- Apologise
If it is possible to apologise sincerely, do so. A genuine apology acknowledges responsibility and
expresses empathy for the person hurt by your actions. If your apology is accepted, guilt has served
its purpose. You’ve recognised the wrongdoing, taken accountability, and can now begin to release
the emotional burden. - Repair
If you have caused tangible harm — for instance, breaking something that belongs to someone else
— repair the damage or make restitution. If the harm is emotional, “repair” might mean listening,
acknowledging the other person’s pain, and asking what you can do to make amends. Sometimes,
simply being humble, open, and willing to understand is enough to start the healing process. - Learn
In some cases, you may not be able to apologise or repair the situation. The other person may no
longer be accessible, or the event may be long past. In those situations, the only option left is to
learn from it.
Reflect on what happened, understand your motivations, and make a conscious commitment never
to repeat the same behaviour. Growth transforms guilt into wisdom — and when the lesson is
learned, the guilt has served its purpose.
Step 3: Reflection and Self-Compassion
While these steps sound simple, they often require time, courage, and self-compassion. Writing can
be a powerful way to support this process. Try setting aside time to write down your story — what
happened, what you feel guilty about, and what options you have to address it.
Ask yourself:
- Did I actually do something wrong?
- If so, what exactly was it?
- What are my realistic options — apologise, repair, or learn?
Writing not only helps to clarify your thoughts but also creates emotional distance, allowing for
perspective and self-kindness.
The Transformative Power of Guilt
Guilt, when understood and processed properly, can be a catalyst for personal growth. It teaches
empathy, responsibility, and moral awareness. When we confront it with honesty, reflection, and
compassion, guilt loses its power to imprison us — instead becoming a teacher that helps us grow
into wiser, kinder, and more self-aware human beings.
We all deserve to move on. Letting go of guilt is not about denying responsibility — it’s about
acknowledging, learning, and freeing yourself to live with greater authenticity and peace.